Theme for the Year: Embracing Imperfection

Embracing imperfection is a hard thing for me to do. But one thing I’ve realized is that my idea of perfection actually keeps me from achieving anything. I wait to even start until perfection is possible to achieve, which never happens due to time and resources.

This year, however, I’ve decided to change that. I am just going to do things, get them started. If I want to go back later and do more to get them to a status of perfection, I can, but then at least I’m one step closer.

For instance, scrapbooking. I’ve never been a great scrapbooker, but I keep things around to put in a scrapbook one day. So I have little boxes of keepsakes everywhere. I’ve started just putting them in the scrapbook! No need for it to look super pretty because all I really need is to have them all in one place that I can pack around with me as I move and look at every once in a while. If, much later, I’ve decided I have the time and energy to add another step then I will. But at least I’ve started, I’ve done something, my brain feels a little relief from getting just an inch closer to this goal it’s been holding onto.

Next up: The apartment. I need to put everything in a place. Doesn’t matter if it’s a good place, it just needs to go somewhere or get out of my house! If you haven’t read Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and you hate clutter, then you should probably start it. So that’s what I’m going to do – KonMarie my house. Get rid of things so there’s no need to take the time to come up with fantastic organizational systems and take care of more and more stuff.

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The Five Gifts of Illness. A Review.

After being sick for several months I decided to try my hand at online counseling. Since I already had a bunch of doctors appointments and my primary symptom was that I was suffering major fatigue, I didn’t want to have to get out for yet another appointment. I found help through BetterHelp.com, which was exactly what I needed. My therapist through there recommended this book to me to help me combat the negative feelings I had toward everything that was happening.

My first thought when I started this was that I’m not sick enough. Everyone in this book was dying or had faced death. I am not going to die from sleeping too much; I don’t have to face my mortality. But surprisingly, several of the major points did help me. Or at least let me know that the things I think and go through are normal. There are many anecdotal stories portraying the different paths that people take and go through during an illness and why they feel it was a gift. In fact, 85% of the people interviewed stated that if given the chance to go back and not be sick, but not gain any of the benefits of their illness, they would still choose to go through the illness. That is mind blowing to me, and I’m sure it is for all those who have not gone through such an ordeal. But I can see some of the benefits now, and I can work at getting even more.

Even if you don’t have a major or chronic illness, I suggest this read because chances are that sometime in your life you are going to either have one, or know someone who does. Unfortunately, cancer is entirely too prevalent in our society. This book gives incredible insight into the struggle a person goes through during and after the illness. It also gives insight into how someone could find such an illness as a gift, something I definitely was not getting from my own experience, but am doing better finding the positive now.

And the Stars Look Very Different Today

The Boy gently woke me up this morning with the sad news that David Bowie died. To be fair, he did ask if I wanted bad news first thing and I gave him permission.

I’d still been dreaming that Bowie would go on tour one more time and I would get to see him do his thing.

Instead I will have to just listen to him all day and maybe watch Labyrinth.

He just released an album, Blackstar, on the 8th, so I’ll have to get that soon and have a listen. The thing with Bowie is that I never like his music with the first listen…. but then soon, it is my absolute favorite.

Letters of Note, a great blog and book, has two funny letters Bowie wrote. http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/12/my-real-name-is-david-jones.html
http://www.lettersofnote.com/2013/01/then-i-recorded-space-oddity.html

The thing is, probably like most people, I started loving David Bowie at a time when I was figuring out who I was. Because of his persona and his music he gives you permission to be whoever you want. It’s ok to be “weird”, and it’s even ok for who you are to change continually as you get older and learn new things and ways to be and find new passions. There is a Bowie for everyone, I’m convinced. You might not love him as a whole, but he has so many musical and personal styles that I bet you can find one that speaks to you. Just give it a try.

 

 

Today

I cuddled with a cat all day.

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I went for a walk.

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I worked on a project for my old employers for a bit. (They’ve kindly offered to contract me for specific projects occasionally)

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I finished up season two of X-Files.

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And I wished for snow. Being snowed in seems fitting to my mood this week. That, with some hot chocolate and a book. Very fitting, indeed.

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How to Deal with Chronic Illness

I’m not an expert by any means. I’ve been dealing with stuff for only 4 months now. But I did speak to a therapist throughout (an online therapist, which was perfect for my situation. Check out BetterHelp.com) and she gave me a lot to think about.

My biggest problem was/is that I’ve always had a list of goals to achieve . Suddenly I couldn’t accomplish anything, and couldn’t do my job well. My therapist’s response was that I couldn’t control being sick and how I felt, but I could change my goals so that I didn’t beat myself up about not being able to meet my old goals. That I needed to find out who I was at my core and align these new goals with that, so I’m still being true to myself but in a new way.

That’s a lot harder than I thought. My brain was so trained to think a certain way, expect certain things out of myself. I’m still struggling with it. I’d planned out my week, managed to do so many things yesterday and set so many goals for myself. But then I clearly over did it and slept all day today. It’s not about being lazy, I want to do these things, but I hit a point and can’t keep my eyes open and just fall asleep…. for five hours.

But this time I’m not giving up. I take the time I need to sleep, but I’ve got these adjusted goals, and they are ones I think I can keep. So I’m going to try.

For instance, part of the goal adjustment is not working full time. Clearly, I’ve gotten fired and wasn’t doing my job to the best of my (previous) ability. And clearly some days I’m going to fall asleep for five hours despite sleeping nine hours the night before. Therefore, I’m not a reliable worker. It’s been hard for me to face that. But I just remind myself of who I am at my core, and I’m still a great person even though I’m not capable of everything I once was. So instead of trying to find a new full time job, I’m going to try to find part time work from home until I feel back to the point of a full time job.

Adjusting.

I’m Back!

I’ve been gone for a while now, but I’ve decided to start back for the New Year. My goal is to post every day, regardless of how good the post actually is …. you’ve been warned.

I’ve been dealing with some health problems for almost five months now, and I’m still working on a diagnosis. I have sleep apnea, but that hasn’t cured everything, so I’m still on the road to figuring out what is the bigger reason. One of the worst (for me) symptoms has been pretty severe brain fog that has left me feeling pretty sluggish and stupid. I’m going to try to combat that this year by just writing anyway and trying to work through the fog.

So here begins my struggle with recovery and acceptance. Recovering from letting my symptoms get the best of me (not going after my goals, getting fired, and sinking into depression), and accepting that my goals may need to change and I might not be able to do all the things I want to do, while still striving to do the things I can.

What have I been doing for the last five months? Sleeping. Doctors. Medical bills. X-Files. Gilmore Girls. Holidays. Cuddling with Bowie Cat. And sleeping.

So instead of just writing everyday,the catch is that I also need to do more interesting things with my day so I can write about it. Because no one wants to read my thoughts about X-files.

Art of the Car Concours

This weekend I went to the KCAI Art of the Car Concours car show with a friend from my old job. It’s a charity event, so the tickets are a bit steep at $20, but it was worth it. I saw so many different kinds of cars, motorcycles, bikes, and concept vehicles. Even some really nice, expensive cars that I wanted to take home with me.

Since I’m rather tired tonight, I’ll just let the pictures speak for themselves!  (And there are a lot… so beware) There are super old cars, some weird cars, some cool cars, etc. Enjoy!

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forgive the finger…

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Mostly I love this car because it has a face.

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This car only got the wheel pictured…. because it was clearly the coolest part – wooden spokes?!?

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This is the one I’m taking home.

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A Rolls Royce. Woody. A ROLLS ROYCE WOODY. I had no idea such a thing existed.

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Once again, I say, A ROLLS ROYCE WOODY

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An electric trike

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FROM 1897!!!

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I can’t get over this bike.

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Clearly I was obsessed.

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aaaand the last one finally. But can you blame me? So cool.

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